I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize