and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I AM VODKA MAN
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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