Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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