Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
