I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
