textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
