im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
