Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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