i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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