You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
