Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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