she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
