So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You made out with two different species that night
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
