i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
