Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
