Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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