I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
