Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
