i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize