please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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