Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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