I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize