Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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