I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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