I hate your face
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
