yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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