that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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