Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
