Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
