Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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