Will you blow on my dice?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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