He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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