And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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