We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
