____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
