If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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