oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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