do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
