he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
