Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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