I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We're too hungover to prance.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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