She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
