Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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