then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
