I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
