I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
