I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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