Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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