Grow some girl-balls and come out already
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
