He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Mom said you looked used
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
