The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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