The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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