My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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