im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
