There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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