Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
